just heaven

anote

2010-11-28T20:05:00.004+08:00

If one day you find this... then you would know that it's for you, and I have written this for you and I had always intended for you to find this.

Hello, my name is Carmen Read.

Full name? Of course, Carmen Amanda Grace Read and there's a great story that goes well with that, like every thing else in my life... there's always a story. I am currently 22 years old, and sitting in my dinning room writing this while i am suppose to be doing my homework, but no surprise there huh?... perhaps when you find this I am doing the same thing... or actually not doing, not doing my homework I mean.

I am not good at doing some thing for a long period of time, perhaps a habit or a fear that restrains me at giving my very best but you already know that.

I have quick bursts of energy but if you ask me to run a marathon... I may have to ask you to piggy back me for most of the time, but then i would of course make some sort of remark of how i am too heavy and that i would break your back... and I will probably go off in some tantrum because I can't believe how great you are wanting to carry a fat hippo (maybe my bad eating habit will have caught up with me by then...) and i secretly give you that smile that says "you are giving me butterflies...and i might actually blush and i am too shy and too proud..." but you take none of this push and pull...you would laugh, throwing your head back in great joy... oh how you would laugh at my shyness and this brave face i put on every time.

you would say... "who would dare make you blush?" as if a question directed to the world but it was only to yourself because you know you would.

I never found comfort in my brave face, and never found safety in my pride... these are the walls I've built over the years.

Over the years of continually having people walk away from me, either in death or in lack of trust or simply the fact that I wasn't worth all that trouble... there's more images of people's backs facing towards me then faces that stood still in support of me.

These walls are the very reason why I don't come to you easily... you know that opening my life means in believing you wouldn't be those people who left, and to believe in that takes time.

I apologize now in advance, a thousand times I apologize.

I apologize for mistakes I have made, and the mistakes I will make.

I am a working progress.

I will make you want to pull your hair out, and scream at the top of your lungs for mercy from my stubbornness... you would want to give up a million times and a million times I am sure you will but i beg you, stay.

Stay and see because I am meant for you and you are meant for me.

I may not be perfect but can you really imagine every breathe you take in your life to be away from me?

Stay and see because its a great show we will have... with a great ending.

Stay and see because...you know with out me, there is no you because with out you... there's no me.

Stay and see this caterpillar grow into a butterfly.

Why you ask i'm such a freak for butterfly... it's not just because of that song.

Its people who are willing to believe that an ugly caterpillar can and will turn into a beautiful butterfly are the people who are willing to believe in me, i am ugly and perhaps some times I am too far away from the chance of becoming a butterfly but if only you would believe, if only you will stay and see.. i may just surprise you.

So stay and see, i beg you don't go.

I promise it will be beautiful.

beggars doing ballet

2010-11-23T19:09:00.002+08:00

Their bodies are like clothes hanging on a laundry line, wavering in their decisions of where to stand. Some have fallen under the spell of the wind; stretched out abandoned on the floor becoming still images. Some lost in the measures of their own beady eyes in the mirror; “few inches off here and there would be perfect” I could hear them say. Only a few behaved as expected great students to be.

Class began; similar to videotape being fast-forward, suddenly there they are, standing in straight rows of multi colored leg warmer, I had half hoped I had brought my own to blend in.

They seem to look much taller from where I am sitting.

They grip the barre tightly, their faces had changed from ordinary to being a performer of the leading role in “sleeping beauty”, their skin looked as if they could feel the sweet warmth of stage light and standing as if in front of a hall full of audiences. Their first pile exercise: muscles tighten creating the notion of a violin string being played, posture change, elongated arms, projected eye focus; the presence of a dancer had finally arrived.

Arms are waved in cannons; the striking strokes of the feet create dominion effects down the line. You could see on their stern faces from their facial muscle control they longed to break into a smile, each one placed a different smile on their face but surely they are; some with their lips, and some with their eyes each recognizing their poor memory on speedy exercises.

Small giggles of accomplishment or even the chit chatters of mistakes at the end of each exercise had become the trailing instrumental ending to a sad slow song, it seems as if it was composed this way. Beautiful lyrics of instructions conducted the class, you could see, he had compressed his passion of dance in this studio; he demonstrated movements of the inner dancer that still belonged on stage. A teachers’ look of accomplishment was gentle, the praise of excellence was raised although it wasn’t hard to tell his disappointment. His praise spread out the tails of a peacock and his corrections were engraved on their bodies, they gathered up knowledge like a beggar but it wasn’t just knowledge he gave but wisdom covered in gold.

Silence filled the room as he explains Frappe; he finished his performance and in between the momentary pause of breathe he was interrupted with a sneeze, they all waited on his reaction then he giggled with glee of the seriousness of the atmosphere. He announced that their hands reenacted similar features of chickens’ feet and their tight grip of the barre projects a portrait of mechanic dancing machines.

A pause in their timely schedule for stretches on their own.

He danced on his own stage in the corner with silent apologizes of what he wishes and can’t dos’ escapes under his breathe, as his eyes connected with the mirror, he was longing to see a dancer not a teacher. His little moment of pain, like a dancer in the dark with secrets he allows himself a brief moment to accept the reality of injuries then back to pretend, he demonstrates beautifully an adage. He teaches of performance not classroom, he teaches with passion and not movement he understands performing presence and of course, the importance of 5^th position at every ending.

They all stood exactly in the same form, placing each position according to the request and he watches closely “and questions?” but no one ever answers. Some tried but knowing already it’s impossible, some tried for the sake of pleasing and some were determined and some, like pride hanging on a fruit tree, didn’t at all. They chanted the exercises like witches, the spell of “hope”, that with those words it would place a spell on their bodies to accomplish the movements. With his beady eyes, he scans at those whose potential can be pushed, he gave speeches of motivation short but sweet, simple and to the point, and she did it.

They giggled in their tiredness and together with the end of music, their bodies’ collapses loosing all form of the linear body a ballerina composes into a body captured by contemporary dancers.

2010-11-08T23:44:00.004+08:00

There isn't much I can place in this tiny little box on my screen

but I hope and pray each day that soon my fingers flow once again the beautiful lyrics of the very best of life God has planned for me.

Psalm 108:4

I'm thanking you, God, out in the streets,
singing your praises in town and country.
The deeper your love, the higher it goes;
every cloud's a flag to your faithfulness.
Soar high in the skies, O God!
Cover the whole earth with your glory!
And for the sake of the one you love so much,
reach down and help me—answer me!

would you make this movie?

2010-10-19T18:51:00.003+08:00

Aisha: A Story of fate, love and choice.

Two complete strangers from Afghanistan were forced to be together through an arranged marriage. While on their “honey moon”, the couple was forced to take refuge to a safe country due to political war in their hometown and was warned to not return until it was save.

They began applying to nearby countries for safe refuge but the government did not return any positive conclusion, indicating the government did not realize the full extent of the couples danger in returning home. The couple was then forced to return home for a brief moment from their “honey moon”. In a turn of gross misfortune, this lead into a gunpoint situation in their home with a member of a rebellious gang demanding the family wealth.

The families had heard of the couple’s hostage situation and were determined to save their children from death. The only possible way for survival was to runaway to a different country and change their identity, their names and where they had come from, but keeping the arranged marriage in respect of the opposite families. It was now very important to keep the couple’s identity secret until they had passed the Afghanistan border but before they could cross any border they first had to cross the heavily armed gunman in their home.

There was nothing the couple could do from the inside; there were no weapons to be found in their new empty home. They sat in hope that someone from the outside would save them, as each day passed there were more and more gunman outside totaling to 15 heavily loaded gunman keeping the couple hostage. There was neither any news of rescue nor any trade off with the rebellious gang, which made the rebellious gang impatient and so they began sending ransom messages asking for the complete wealth of the families to be handed over or else they would be killed and stripped naked to disgrace the families lack of help in public.

In the mean time, their families were planning the couple’s journey to a safe destination: Hong Kong. Money was not the main factor that haled the process; the fear of their own deaths was what was holding the family back. They had power in high societies and the man power to take down 15 gunman, but turning the heat onto themselves was risking their own lives and could mean both families would be in immediate danger.

Some of the cousins and the younger generation saw it ridiculous and began taking action. A large sum of money was drawn out and placed in a bag with 2 passports, 2 plane tickets and some clean cloths in a truck parked nearby for their perfect escape. At the stroke of midnight, a shootout broke down giving the couple perfect chance to run. The youngest cousin out of 7, age 19, from the groom’s side helped them to escape the shootout and got them safely to the airport.

A day and a half later, only driving at night, the couple finally sits comfortably on the airplane reminiscing about the past 6 months being captive in their own home after their arranged marriage, and now being forced to travel to another country for their own safety and not having any reassurance if it was any more safe in the place that they were about to head to.

6 hours later, they arrive in a strange city completely unprepared for their future. Their only possessions being what they have on them, they left their past behind in hope to find a better future. They found hotels to stay in at the same time as looking for apartment and jobs.

He, Michael, became a businessman managing his own company but sadly for Aisha, she never recovered from the traumatic events that occurred 2 years ago in Afghanistan. Michael found ways to suppress his fears through his job, friends, women and drinking, while Aisha had not found a way to hide her fears nor deal with it. She struggles with who she is, always displeased with her nationality and the way fate had planned out her life. She blames her ethnicity for the things that has happened to her, and the things that will happen to her. She begins a downward cycle of fear leading into depression that limits her daily life. Without her husband’s support, she has no one but herself.

In fear of loosing herself and her husband she pursuits for a normal life. It was a rapid change; things began to look and feel better. She saw friends, and began creating small projects to help other victims who had gone through the same situation, giving them a place to talk and express their fears and to help each other through the process of recovery. She became a better wife, a wife that was courageous and bold, who took life very seriously and began being Michael’s comforter through his own fears. They became great companions perhaps not so much as lovers, but Michael is just want Aisha needs and visa versa, a friend and not a reminder of the past.

A few years have pasted, Michael and Aisha decides to live separately but remain close friends. It wasn’t an easy choice to make but because staying together reminds them individually of what happened, it was better for both to begin afresh.

Both living separate lives and occasionally seeing each other gave great opportunities for Aisha to explore outside of her race and ethnic traditions. She found a job that allowed her to meet all different types of people, surrounding herself with other culture and abandoning her own, by her own choice, she found love.

Although she was bound by law in marriage, her heart was not. She fell in love with a young Englishman, Daniel, but because of her marriage to Michael, it was not possible to for her to marry and start a family. With this struggle in mind, Aisha and Daniel pursue a healthy relationship as partners. Although Daniel understands her ethnic background and what it entails, it’s difficult to accept Michael being in their lives.

Back in Afghanistan, the couple’s families began rebuilding their homes after the rebellious gang had destroyed their property over 6 years ago. Even though the rebellious gang had left that part of town, there were still small riots happening and it was still considered an unsafe place to be.

Daniel and Aisha’s desires of having a family grew stronger over the months, eventually Aisha decided to tell her family how her marriage was falling apart; Michael’s lack of commitment and fraternizing with other woman. She writes in a letter, her plea of forgiveness, of not being a good wife, nor strong enough and finally of the love she has for Daniel, in hope that she would be able to leave Michael and marry for love.

Then, she was with child.
It was clear to Aisha that she must tell her parents of this before it was too late and it wasn’t something she wanted to hide either. She was proud of her new life with Daniel and the new life she was about to bring into the world. Aisha’s wish of leaving her traditions were becoming true with the unborn child; all that she had hoped for of finding love and having a family was happening to her.

Over the 7 months while she was carrying Daniel’s child, she became restless due to lack of response from the family. Daniel’s support for the baby and Aisha is constant: he is standing by her through her restlessness and reassures that everything will be fine.

Unfortunately, although Aisha had found true happiness and all her dreams were becoming true, there were things that she had no power to control; no way to outrun fate…cancer. Her father had fallen ill shortly after they had received the letter Aisha had written but because of the father’s illness the family choose to keep the letter a secret. Aisha’s mother sends a letter asking for her daughter and her husband to return back to Afghanistan and mentions nothing of Aisha’s situations or her plea of marrying for love.

Only a few months to go before her baby is due, Aisha is now facing the toughest situation, one that would inevitably rob her of her happiness; Returning to Afghanistan meant that she would lose everything and the ability of her returning to Hong Kong was to be dictated by her ethnicity. It was inevitable that Aisha’s parents would not accept Daniel in the family nor would they approve of him returning with her. If she was to return before she had the baby, they both would live with the consequences of Aisha’s betrayal to her family and Michael’s family, thereby conforming to the heavy duties of her religion, arranged marriages and various other traditional practices. Aisha feared that her baby would never find love and the life she had experienced with Daniel, if but only for a brief period, would never come true for the baby.

Aisha recognized the baby would always stand out; being mixed, being different. Not ever having the father around would cause the child to have a very difficult upbringing and eventually hate the environment it was in. She had hoped to bring up a child away from rules, traditions and perhaps the fear of safety, but fate was bringing her back to where she feared the most: home. Her desire of staying in Hong Kong was being consumed by her duties as a daughter. She owed her life to her family especially after the rescue a few years back. They had done everything for her and her safety, the act of returning home would release the burdens of having to repay her family back.

She is still oblivious to her father’s illness.

Aisha keeps this from Daniel until she has figures out what is going to happen. She gets in contact with Michael hoping that he would stand up against her parents and plead to not return home; as they both would lose the happiness they had found being away from rules and traditional practices. Michael knew clearly that returning back to Afghanistan would be an end for his and her happiness. He too had been carrying the burden of having to payback gratitude to his own family. He wouldn’t be able to explain why he wanted to stay; he didn’t want his family’s name to be shamed and to bring the “marriage” down if they were to go back together. He firmly informed her that if they returned, they both must leave all hopes of ever returning to Hong Kong and forget the things that had happened and move on, including the baby.

The thought of having to leave her baby and Daniel became too much for her to handle, “how could I possibly chose? How could I live the next few months with them knowing of this and I still chose to go?” Aisha began praying to every God she possibly knew of to find the right answers, seeking spiritual guidance, and even resorting to flipping a coin, but she knew in her heart that her respect of her family needed to overpower love and freedom.

1 month until Aisha gives birth.

She knows what she has to do and it brings tears to her eyes. When she touches her belly, when she sees Daniel it aches her heart but keeps in the tears. She indulges in her freedom for the last month: she leaves little notes around the house for Daniel to find in the future, she writes down all of his favorite food recipes in case he didn’t know how to make it, she writes a letter each day of the love she has for him, she perfects the baby room each day leaving little notes for her baby to find in the future and preparing everything a father would need to look after a child without a mother.

Michael makes do with the little time he has with his partner, he knows his partner would never understand the reasons of him leaving nor would he ever forgive Michael; It was best to leave unnoticed and move on. He had written a response to the letter Aisha had received from her mother and booked plane tickets a week after she would be having the baby.

Aisha’s family has kept her father’s illness a secret, now that he was dying very soon, it would be too late for them to come back. Her mother writes another letter but holds it close to her heart for fear that sending this letter would be the end of seeing her daughter and may bring bad luck to her husband’s health.

A beautiful baby girl was born on 10^th September, 1988.

The most perfect, beautiful baby girl they have ever seen lay asleep in Aisha’s arms. Tears begin to fall, she couldn’t bare to part with her new born daughter but it was too late, the letter was sent and the tickets were bought; Her heart was set. She felt as hopeless as her baby girl, alone in the choices she had made. She was consumed by regret as if it was her food, a feeling that would never go and the pain she couldn’t stand. She cries, but only silently and while everyone was asleep she wrote this letter:

“Dear daughter,

My name is Aisha, now, at the time of writing this, I am at the age of 28. I was born in Afghanistan and was forced into an arranged marriage. In the early years of my marriage, I was kidnapped by a rebellious gang, which was why I had to escape to Hong Kong for safety. I was helpless and feared for my life. I knew the dangers of my hometown were real and life threatening and I vowed to never return, but sadly because I came from a line of wealth, my family turned the heat from us to themselves.

Although I, along with the man I was married to, both found happiness away from the rules and traditional practices of our faith, my real joy was found in your father, Daniel. He had the kindest heart and the most understanding eyes; We fell in love.

Love…

This thing that makes us do funny things and stupid things. Love brought the greatest gift of all mankind: You.

I hope you understand my reason for leaving; I want you to have a chance to love; To fall in love like I have had so; To find a man you truly, deeply love and marry him and have a family; A dream that I was so close to having, but in the eyes of religion, you were my love child and it was forbidden. They would have killed you or worse, throw you out onto the street. I want the best for the person I love the most: a taste of freedom.

You, you can conquer the world and be free of rules and religion; you can be safe and never worry about wars and political conflicts.

Be your father’s best daughter, he loves you and I love you. I wish I was there to watch you grow up maybe one day when the conflicts stop and my gratitude has been paid off we will see each other.

If your father, I know he will, allows me to name you, I give you my name. Aisha. So that you are forever close to me and your father will always have me by his side. I love you both.

Your mother, Aisha.”

Aisha closes her pen, gets up from her bed and places the letter at the cot where little Aisha was laying, kissed Daniel on his forehead, turned back to look at her home, then closed the door one final time.

Aisha’s mother closes her eyes and slips the letter into the mail box. It would arrive the day Aisha leaves for her plane. But Aisha never gets it and she and Michael never made it back home.

At 3AM, 17^th September, a careless lorry driver lost control of the wheel and ran into the car Aisha and Michael were in.

None survived.

-Written by: Carmen Read

Via Phoebe Cheung

2010-10-14T09:02:00.000+08:00

Something to ponder upon ...................

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.' Malachi 3:3

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up.
He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:
'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy --when I see my image in it.

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Pass this on. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.
And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

'Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

Count on me :) x

2010-10-14T08:27:00.002+08:00

Dearest friends,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLiPtlG5Rj4

that song is a little some thing that i think it really expresses my heart towards you :)

if you listen to this song and really know exactly that its me trying to encourage you and let you know that i love you and i am here then you've got it!

Even if we are far away, you are never too far away from my thoughts!

I'm thinking of you always, x

2010-10-12T19:30:00.002+08:00

A red and white linear rectangle stands tall.

Caught in the middle of winter season change, it confined itself in lonely cold straight lines...

Through her hollow eyes, a lady dressed in wrinkles, she understands the reality of the corruption in this world. Her crackling skin flakes off stories of pain; perhaps physical and mental, we don't know but her wounds have gathered dirt underneath her nails.

No teeth to bite

No eye to see...

Wedding planning

2010-10-11T22:14:00.003+08:00

I am helping a lovely couple in blessing their big day :)

This is Susan, and soon to be Susan Bull!

Check their website out:

http://www.lovabulls.com/

sound tracks

2010-10-11T17:18:00.004+08:00

We don't always know truly how we feel inside, we have an idea and that idea plays like a song on repeat.

It doesn't go unless we change the setting.

There's a song in each one of us that plays on repeat, a song that matches our emotions, some that keeps us where we are at and some lift us up.

The track you are listening to now is how you feel... mine, Dove's eyes.

My heart is desperate, my heart is empty and ready to be captivated.

"I don't want to talk about you like you are not in the room
I want look right at you, i want to sing right to you

I believe you are listening
I believe you move to the sound of my voice

Give me Doves eyes
Give me undistracted devotion for only you"

i am worth a beautiful song

2010-10-11T15:01:00.004+08:00

I want some one to see me like this.. and write me a beautiful song

Bruno Mars - Just the way you are

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjhCEhWiKXk

Matthew 6:25 - 31

2010-10-11T12:30:00.000+08:00

If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

2010-10-07T21:46:00.001+08:00

You have made it impossible to love.

Where there are gaps of doubt and fear of love pushes us to be come strangers.

We only ask to be close but there's a distance you desire.
Where in my world, you have become the center of it. You are far from what they would say an idol but you are close to "the person" whom i will cherish for the rest of my life.

We are playing tango in the opposite ends of the room, not with each other as one would hope for but in space. We dance around what we wish we could have but never making the move. but now because of fear we have placed our dancing room in the middle of a battle field. We have made it into a war zone and nothing gets past with out blowing up. This is what we have created. This is how we are. We have lost what was important: each other and now created a battle field.

You placed bombs were i would step on, as a fighter i push on.
It goes off here and there but i run and hide.
But now, its reached a place where running and hiding gets too hard, you place more bombs so i do too. I am loosing life as we speak, dying to hope and fighting for love.

We have made a battle field and it is impossible for the war to stop although we wish it did. We long for peace but this will have to wait because neither of us knows we are in a battle field... we just live to live and not live to fight. So we died, and not know what killed us... we dont look and see to change for the best but we look and then place bombs to protect what would hurt... so we died not because we are enemies but we die because we are protecting each other from... each other.

big world

2010-08-31T20:18:00.001+08:00

they are all leaving...

oh just me and this big world, it's like a playground except every thing is too big for me to play with

love

2010-08-30T07:29:00.003+08:00

We were unprotected.

We didn't use the love God has given us for each other.

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. - 1 Peter 3:8

We fight to be heard and fight to be noticed, but we for get to fight in love and for love to be in harmony. No one is right or wrong, we just weren't protecting our own people, ourselves.

We aloud satan to do his work, to twist every story and every thought. We didn't captive our minds with truth in God. With our own hands we destroyed some thing that was meant to be beautiful.

Here, i ask for forgiveness from my father. I pray that he will continually bless and perhaps some day down the road, we would realize that love is enough. His love conquers all! His PERFECT LOVE drives out all fear!!! and His love is comfortable! Therefore, one day we shall see the fruit of this and rejoice in the Lord and be happy that this has happened because we just become stronger and better!

So, Lord forgive me of my lack of faith and being disobedient!
Let me fix my eyes on you, this is only the beginning and there is a long journey ahead. Keep me save and focused.
Let my heart feel your love! and my mind is changed!

dream...

2010-08-29T23:30:00.002+08:00

...

we have become strangers through one night and haters for this life time

how did time get here?

"I see you walking down the street, i check myself if it was a glimpse of my imagination... no it was really you! smiling, joyful and a mouth full of apologizes and i wishes... i ran and i leaped into your arms, crying but tears of joy and relief. Time stopped and our worlds became one again, we stood in between of time " and then i woke up.

battle field

2010-08-29T19:23:00.002+08:00

If we can not see past the darkness of what should have been great then let us walk away from it and be glad that it has happened and look forward to the journey ahead.

Love is... and should be comfortable, a place where it's safe.
It acts as an oasis.
But if it was abused, then the place it should have been safe is no longer safe but a place of fear and doubt.

We create our own space to live. We build our own house... we secure our own land.

But you have made it into a battle field.

i can't promise

2010-08-21T21:56:00.003+08:00

I can't promise that i would be perfect but there's a few things i vow to keep:

I can't promise that i wouldn't make you cry but i want to wipe those tears away, kiss your forehead and whisper words only you can hear.
I can't promise that i would't make you angry but i want to make that frown go upside down.
I can't promise that i wouldn't make you sad but i want to be the one who can make you happy again.
I can't promise that i wouldn't make you doubt but i want to be the girl that smiles and make your heart melt and you would just believe every thing is Ok.
I can't promise that we would have great days every day but i want to be the person who can make the day better.
I can't promise that there wouldn't be lighten and thunder during a storm but i want to be the sunshine that pours out through the big thick clouds and bring out the rainbow.
I can't promise that we would be perfect but i want to be the perfect person to make all lives imperfection bearable.

3rd

2010-06-03T09:40:00.001+08:00

Is he enough for me? Do i just look at the good stuff of this person and miss teh bad stuff? Can he spiritual lead me closer to God with out forcing it on me? With out making me feel like i am always doing the wrong thing?

I dont know.

I see other people judgement and i can't find myself in to admitting the wrongs he has done infear that i can't forgive him. I wanted to see things from his point of view and work things out from there, but as i stand on my side i see nothing but the hurts that was done to me. This is what it means to forgive every day, a choice to let it go and move it and know that we were both wrong.

2nd

2010-06-02T08:16:00.000+08:00

"forgiveness brings peace"
nothing about forgiveness is irrational. It would have been done on the first day, as i write down the things that hurts me, i filled it up with nothing almost an empty page of essays, then it hit me like a slap in the face. I wasn't hurt. I saw some thing that should have hurted but now, it doesn't hurt. I hold nothing to him nor against him, in my heart there comes a peace that follows with joy that I admit i was wrong.

This is the first time I've been wrong and the first time I've stood up for some thing i beileved in although now in comparision it was nothing. I looked into the future too much with out seeing what was now and how now was playing out. I focused inwardly of my own feelings and doubts, i forgot you, him. But I let it go, i let it go because i see my wrong but before i saw my wrong I was letting go. Don't you just wish some times we let go sooner with out having to making those mistakes... but wishfull thinking doesn't get us anywhere but heartbroken and in a place where we are uneasied.

Mistakes, we make all the time and when the person you have harmed has forgiven you, you try your harder to fight for that person, to fix what was broken, to give thanks for forgiveness because only He, God, can forgive. Although He allows his little children to work things out, He doesn't leave us wondering around with no guild. He sends a star.. a person, a book, a anything to guild us back to the right place. He brings us there when we are ready, He knows when we are ready and He will catch us if we jump too far out before the bridge has been built.

Hope, I have hope that perhaps all these things doesn't matter any more. That love overcomes everything. Even mistakes. my mistakes, his mistakes.

1st

2010-06-01T21:28:00.001+08:00

"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love"

We are imperfect, if time healed every wound we have and we chose to do it alone can it possibly be the right thing to do? If we were meant to be then we will return to each other the love we have draws us, will continually be there in distance. We feel with our soul and spirit, unspoken words, unknown choices, we feel each other no matter the distance. We know love not as a physical touch but love that is beyond the senses we have.

I could write a million words to excuses myself, to better myself for the future but it all doesn't seem to matter when i know how i feel. I do love him. I love him.

What is this love? Love that burdens my heart when ive been wrong, love that brings my wrongs to light... did i not see the love he has for me? We bring the wrong out from each other so that we can shape toegther of what is right. We lost the way and began pointing fingers of what was wrong instead of what was to change.

I am and was wrong.

Failure isn't the word but blinde perhaps is a label on my forehead. I wanted to be right, to be the person who had reasons to cry the person who had a reason to be in fear but i have none because i was wrong. I saw this thing and i held on to it with out seeing it from a different light. I can't blame.

Blame is only skin thick... we hurt pirde and pride comes fighting back in double strength, a strength we can't control. Like a second person inside of us, waiting to come out waiting in the shadows of our weakness and pretends to be the strength we should have drawn from, we are mistaken. Pride kills the moment, pride burns like fire to paper it leaves nothing but blackness and ash. But He, God, our father, our strength turns that into beauty for Him. He is our strength when pride attacks He turns ashes into beauty. He turns our pride that kills us into love that brings hope, grace and mercy to overflow. He burns the ashes and leaves nothing behind.

I find my strength in Him. I have nothing but He knows me well. He knows what things reminds me of him and the things that brightens up my day. He knows when i need his strength the most and he knows when the wave of loneliness comes, He is in control. He brings things in your life that makes it better. Friends, people and surprsingly movies. He knows how we listen and what we recieve, He doesn't speak to us in unknown languages, he knows how we listen.

31st

2010-05-31T21:13:00.000+08:00

He was my constant. My standing point, i find my strength through Him. I loose color of this world and perhaps the laughter in things i used to find funny, but it's only been a few days. He becomes my centre pull, when i cry i call out to him. When it hurts I ran to him, he hold me and some times i don't feel him but i know he is there. I know he knows what i feel, and although i wish william would know and if only i could express it to him.. only He, God, my friend can ever know for sure of the doubts and hurts and of the true confessions i confess in my heart.

I know what i want, but i am afriad. I think the harder thing is the right thing but is that what i am called to do? To be apart and a away? This is a time where we both draw close to God, pulling ourselves back up in a place where darkness had over towered us. I will come out of this and be stronger and better, for myself and for him if this is what should happen.

We both have issues and troubles.
The outcome of these burning in our heart hurts and we act in ways we can never understand. I thought i deserve better, I thought having a man that would treat me a queen was it, but i deserve a better version of him. This version we have now isn't the way he was created to be nor i am the person i am created to be. We both fell. But held onto each other while falling so neither of us could spot the difference, and even if we did, we surely didn't want out because the thought of loosing each other was so much greater then realizing the burden we have placed on ourselvse.

If there was a course that i could go to to make me better, ill do 100 times.
I need to change for the better. My heart needs to heal to gain independance in Him before man. He becomes my strength in my weakeness, becomes the first go to, he is never going to be strong enough for every thing i give him.

30th.

2010-05-30T21:11:00.000+08:00

Today I cried. Not once but many times, because i live in my regret of my actions and the choices i make. I haven't changed, i hope i will and i wish i could.. I just dont know how.

My thoughts are blocked and my head hurts, I can't write anything but.. I love him, and because of me things has gone the way it has. I rushed into choosing to not be with him. I have agression in different forms, his maybe physical but me, i do it emotionally...making people hate the person that hurts me and making that person suffer for his/her mistake.

We are indeed human and imperfect. We find examples to set standards but the examples we see doesn't exsit because we are not God. We can only live a life that is godly and holy but we can never be completely perfect. We make mistakes and we live out that mistakes until it passes and that mistake changes for the good.

This, love, drives us deep. Things we never felt we feel, things we never thought could hurt hurts.

2010-01-20T20:02:00.004+08:00

My heart cries out.

Begging you to let me fly away with you on transparent wings that carries such weight like me. Take me to that secret place where you lay your head and enjoy the sweet breeze of summer.

Run with me into the beaming light of sunshine, like children with curly hair bouncing with excitement skipping along the yellow brick road, take me there.

White dresses, flowers in hair and bare feet touching the soft ground of mud

Take me there.

I close my eyes and imagine us there, no one but you and I.

2010

2010-01-02T11:19:00.005+08:00

There must be million and one post posted for 2010 across the world, I too will join them in writing of what has been of 2009 and what i want to see in 2010.

Where should i start? 2009... one word: strength.

Testing of faith and patience and love. In that order it came and still faith is always the starting point and love the ending point and everything else in between seems insignificant.

I never thought ill live to see the end of 2009 and yet here i am in 2010 January 2nd still alive and writing. It's been such a tough year, the baggages that i had brought over from the years before and creating more... last year was just the beginning of what we call "cleaning out the closet"

From honestly to relationships there began my first baby steps to life. I was never prepared and yet with and by His strength I came through. I can't help but thank Papa of how much he has pushed me, although I complained through it all, he never failed to see how precious I am to him. He saved me for a reason, He was interested in me and today I am alive because of him.

There were periods of silents and periods of rebellion but nothing was too impossible for him to come through. I slipped and stumbled but yet He never let go. I am not a strong believer nor am I very religious but I know when I fail it is He who pulls me right up again and it is He that brings me through. Last new years, 2009, i spend the night in a trance. Literally, high. This year, 2010 new years I had spent it praising and worshipping Him. This journey I had with him last year was painful but so fulfilling. If you told me what I would be like now in 2009 i would have laughed in your face and told you to shut up, but sitting here and being the person I am and it all makes sense. It was meant to be and this is how I am suppose to be.

2010, I want to fall in love with him. This love we all long for, I want it. I want more hardships so that I am the person He has intended me to be. This is a big prayer but I need it.

I want fire in my life. Storms. and Peace.

Healing begins now.

2009-11-28T23:36:00.002+08:00

Looking at old photographs, almost daunting reality of the differences that lies between the holder of the photograph and the person that is posing in it. She can't be recognized with the un-truthfulness that was captured by a single click, time stopped for a moment or two.

Painting a beautiful picture of fairy tales we create.

"Smile" she said. "don't fiddle, the picture will be blurred" he said.

All this fuss for just a picture. Just for today I can say, she smiled and was still. Who could have remembered details of what was pasted in that image? There were so many of us. Some could barely remember my name and some, probably see me still but their reflection is still captured there, locked in time.

Those who scribble their names with a ink pen (almost faded by now) mention words of kindness "you are precious to me"... "wonderful person"... "loving and amazing to be with". I wonder, as ink fades, these penmanship of kindness was easily erased with water. What is left now is the faint outlines of what it used to say but not really telling us what it does say. Over the years, these photos improve in quality. They were taken by better cameras and had better printing (although till now you still wait 2 hours to print), they were... better... in quality of course. But those who stood in the frame still posing for pictures, quality of cloths and "earthly" things improve, but the pasted smiles and cheesy grins is sickly.

No one dared to question, it was just as simple as perceptive outlook. You show what you want people to see, they don't question so you don't bother making up an answer. Its the few that catches you off guard, but still... easily brush off able. What?... insensitive? no... a pure factor that was spotted not too far away.

"Oh, she is fine" he says... "strong as a bull, a fighter she is" she said.

ah, yes. I could copy and paste those lines a thousand times and each will be identical to each other. Like a broken recorder "Oh, she is fine""Oh, she is fine""Oh, she is fine""Oh, she is fine""Oh, she is fine"... see copied and pasted 5 times, identical. Wow, what a surprise?! do you see a pattern? A repetition almost, i bet you didn't see that coming? What?... you wanted a different answer... oh i see. sure. "Oh, she is fine".

Its different alright.

Its there, you can't see it or feel it but it's there. Just...

I never know how to respond, i apologize for this. But do understand, copy and paste you can't do that, and then suddenly it hits you, oh that glorious light... but i don't even get to see it. Its passed on, like a torch - i didn't get to see the light but some how it's landed on my lap, wanted or not, it just appeared. Fair?

Let me explain.

You were the posing artist all made up beside me.

We were.

But now, i hear your concern but not from your mouth, just whispers, almost gossip but not the same.

Great things are yet to come

2009-11-28T21:38:00.002+08:00

I realized...

I don't have to sit here and be envious of those around me whose life is out there for God doing what he has called them to do.

It will soon be my turn not because i am anything but because i will become nothing therefore i am everything to his kingdom.

On a journey in discovery of what real love is according to him.

with that, i end with: great things are yet to come.

SFGTD

2009-11-28T20:46:00.005+08:00

Yes it's true.

Sitting here, hearing the words of my mother echoing inside my heart.

I made a mistake with him, my un-faithfulness to him was my mistake, there is and never be the perfect excuse for the reason of my un-faithfulness, just me.

I can't blame no body but i for you being the victim of my past. It sits heavily in my heart, projecting it gently on my body. "I hope no one sees the tears that are welling up inside my throat"... it's upsetting to realize, no matter how much it effected me i had no right to hurt him.

I put these doubts and this realization in a SFGTD (Something for God to do) box, i can't handle this and i have no idea how, this is much bigger then i thought.

He sees all and knows all. He has me on his heart and his perfect time is not just capable to me but it is what i need. He sees our needs before our desires. I need to deal with these pressing things before it kills another, before this back hole sucks all life and leaving nothing but me, still needing to be satisfied.

Too loose all and gain all:love

2009-11-22T22:07:00.003+08:00

Why do you stay so silent?

Why does our conversation stop?... Teach me to realize how it has nothing to do with what i can do, but in realizing that it is because of you that i can do.

Break down these walls of performance, but highlight the source of it. Let it not go past me with out me knowing the reasons why.. I don't want to keep having to go through these emotionally roller coaster and yet get nothing sorted. I want to be closer to you, not re-creating problems.

Be with me through this, I have nothing else to ask for but i hope through these times of trouble, i am able to submit under you. I don't know how and where to start. I have no idea of how i feel nor how to sort these things but, please, i need your truth. Holy spirit speak to me in a voice that i know it's you. Guild me into deeper level with our God. You too wish to be closer to Him, so don't let me be here with nothing but be with me.

There is so much healing I need, i feel it hanging on me like branches on a tree. I can feel the weight of all the un-forgiveness that has harbored inside of me since i was a little girl, there is so much i still don't know the fear of knowing is greater then my healing... let this stubbornness be erased so that I will let the father's love reach inside my heart further then before. So that I am not the one who is holding onto my heart but it is he that holds it closely to his.

I don't want to do anything to gain this, I just want to be. I want to sit and be able to let Him touch my heart. That this fear and this action of holding my heart will disappear. These walls I have built will be melted away because of His love. Let me not take His love for me so lightly.

If all i learn for the rest of my life, is this love we are all talking about, then let it be.

What more better then is it to know what the love of God is about then doing his miracles. He doesn't need us to do his work. He is God. He doesn't need us to be willing. He is God. But His desire for us is to know and receive this love he has before anything else.

I will not do anything until this love He has for me has fully captured my heart. I need to need him. I have recognized that life without him is empty and lost, I feel incomplete with out him. Nothing satisfy me unless he is satisfied. This is my prayer and this is my goal. To loose all to gain all: love

Galatians 4

2009-11-22T21:49:00.002+08:00

But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, ⁵to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. ⁶Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba,^"[a] Father." ⁷So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

The spirit has confirmed me as His son (daughter), through his voice do I cry out Abba father, Papa...daddy. Although through my flesh, my connection with my father is as far away it is from east to west but my spirit that is inside of me has the ability of recognition of knowing who Abba is that had enabled my voice to cry out "Abba father here i am"

It was first my spirit that recognized the authority and ownership I had, and the importance I am in the fathers' eyes therefore in leading me with confirmation that I am able to call him Papa.

Day One

2009-11-18T11:14:00.002+08:00

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. ³⁵Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. ³⁶So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

There is so much uncertainty of the strength i give to hold tightly to my heart. I was not made to protect my own heart but allow God to protect my heart, first and foremost, i give my heart, my all to Him alone. I may not know how nor do i have the strength to peel away my protecting arms, but i will try.

There is so much in my life that i have yet to discover. There is still so much behind closed doors and doors i have not yet seen before. There is a depth of lies that i need to sort out with Him. Forgiveness lies closely on my lips but i don't know how to form those words in the correct places it deserves.

I will not give in to my circumstances, although they look like giants - i will stand firm because there is nothing else i can do but to receive the truth He will and has given me. Through all that i have in countered in my life , through all the valleys i have crossed and wandered in, through the storms i have yet to calm down- I am well.

He saw i was special from day one.

He has protected me through life and death. Day one: I was his.

Ps103:8

2009-10-29T08:56:00.002+08:00

⁸The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy and loving-kindness.

Father,

You see me. Every thing that i do, you see it.

How does that not break your heart? How can you be so patient with me?

It's only because You truly love me, you see how my gentle heart is.

You cradle my heart in your hands and comfort me by breathing over the cracks and filling it with you.

I can not imagine nor understand how faithful you are to me. Even when i annoy you and hurt you, you still don't leave.

Like a father to its' child, you stay close.

I love you daddy

2009-10-20T10:17:00.002+08:00

Daddy,

I want to make you happy as much as you have brought so much joy in my life.

I know there is nothing that i will do that will come close to blessing you to as much as you have blessed me. I hope that as i try and fail it still brings tears to your eyes.

As you watch me bake a cake for you but spilling the cake batter on the floor, you still smile and say Thank you.

As you watch me write a song for you but sings out of tune, you still smile and say Well done.

As you watch me dance across the dance floor tripping over my own feet, you still smile and say that is beautiful.

As you watch me sleep and i snore all over the place, you still smile and say this is wonderful.

There is nothing i can do that will take this love away, this love is no simple L.O.V.E but it's love that overcomes all, all fear and doubts. Daddy, you will never leave me nor forsake me... your love is like no human love where it can be thrown away, but it's love that stays and lasts forever.

I love you

Teach me how

Ephesians 2

2009-10-16T01:02:00.001+08:00

^9-22That's plain enough, isn't it? You're no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You're no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He's using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what he is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now he's using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home.

Revelation 18

2009-10-13T11:21:00.003+08:00

Revelation 18

1THEN I saw another angel descending from heaven, possessing great authority, and the earth was illuminated with his radiance and splendor.

2And he shouted with a mighty voice, She is fallen! Mighty Babylon is fallen! She has become a resort and dwelling place for demons, a dungeon haunted by every loathsome spirit, an abode for every filthy and detestable bird.

3For all nations have drunk the wine of her passionate unchastity, and the rulers and leaders of the earth have joined with her in committing fornication (idolatry), and the businessmen of the earth have become rich with the wealth of her excessive luxury and wantonness.(A)

4I then heard another voice from heaven saying, Come out from her, my people, so that you may not share in her sins, neither participate in her plagues.(B)

5For her iniquities (her crimes and transgressions) are piled up as high as heaven, and God has remembered her wickedness and [her] crimes [and calls them up for settlement].(C)

6Repay to her what she herself has paid [to others] and double [her doom] in accordance with what she has done. Mix a double portion for her in the cup she mixed [for others].(D)

7To the degree that she glorified herself and reveled in her wantonness [living deliciously and luxuriously], to that measure impose on her torment and anguish and tears and mourning. Since in her heart she boasts, I am not a widow; as a queen [on a throne] I sit, and I shall never see suffering or experience sorrow--(E)

8So shall her plagues (afflictions, calamities) come thick upon her in a single day, pestilence and anguish and sorrow and famine; and she shall be utterly consumed (burned up with fire), for mighty is the Lord God Who judges her.

9And the rulers and leaders of the earth who joined her in her immorality (idolatry) and luxuriated with her will weep and beat their breasts and lament over her when they see the smoke of her conflagration.(F)

10They will stand a long way off, in terror of her torment, and they will cry, Woe and alas, the great city, the mighty city, Babylon! In one single hour how your doom (judgment) has overtaken you!

11And earth's businessmen will weep and grieve over her because no one buys their freight (cargo) any more.(G)

12Their merchandise is of gold, silver, precious stones, and pearls; of fine linen, purple, silk, and scarlet [stuffs]; all kinds of scented wood, all sorts of articles of ivory, all varieties of objects of costly woods, bronze, iron, and marble;(H)

13Of cinnamon, spices, incense, ointment and perfume, and frankincense, of wine and olive oil, fine flour and wheat; of cattle and sheep, horses and conveyances; and of slaves (the bodies) and souls of men!

14The ripe fruits and delicacies for which your soul longed have gone from you, and all your luxuries and dainties, your elegance and splendor are lost to you, never again to be recovered or experienced!

15The dealers who handled these articles, who grew wealthy through their business with her, will stand a long way off, in terror of her doom and torment, weeping and grieving aloud, and saying,

16Alas, alas for the great city that was robed in fine linen, in purple and scarlet, bedecked and glittering with gold, with precious stones, and with pearls!(I)

17Because in one [single] hour all the vast wealth has been destroyed (wiped out). And all ship captains and pilots, navigators and all who live by seafaring, the crews and all who ply their trade on the sea, stood a long way off,(J)

18And exclaimed as they watched the smoke of her burning, What city could be compared to the great city!

19And they threw dust on their heads as they wept and grieved, exclaiming, Woe and alas, for the great city, where all who had ships on the sea grew rich [through her extravagance] from her great wealth! In one single hour she has been destroyed and has become a desert!(K)

20Rejoice (celebrate) over her, O heaven! O saints (people of God) and apostles and prophets, because God has executed vengeance for you upon her!(L)

21Then a single powerful angel took up a boulder like a great millstone and flung it into the sea, crying, With such violence shall Babylon the great city be hurled down to destruction and shall never again be found.(M)

22And the sound of harpists and minstrels and flute players and trumpeters shall never again be heard in you, and no skilled artisan of any craft shall ever again be found in you, and the sound of the millstone shall never again be heard in you.(N)

23And never again shall the light of a lamp shine in you, and the voice of bridegroom and bride shall never be heard in you again; for your businessmen were the great and prominent men of the earth, and by your magic spells and poisonous charm all nations were led astray (seduced and deluded).

24And in her was found the blood of prophets and of saints, and of all those who have been slain (slaughtered) on earth.(O)

Father,
In our believe and what we do, have you found blood of prophets and of saints in our hands? Have we slain these saints in doing what we think it's right instead of being right in your doing? Have we become Israel again, putting idols on the "right"ness of our belief, moving forward and then beckconing your presence?

Where is your glory?
What happened to our ears that should have heard your voice?
You have never left us but have we left you?

1010

2009-10-12T13:23:00.002+08:00

You continually bless me when i saw no worth
In hearing your voice i acted in faith.
The words trembled out my mouth
my lips dried with fear
my eye gazed outwards
oh lord here i am before you and him.

I offer rages at your alter of grace
you accept these as precious gold
you showed me gently into this room of heavenly jewls that rests on my neck
gently you touch my chin and raised my head
my eyes locked closely to yours, your hands graspping on my face
there was no ecsape
this is it.
The moment were i was captured by grace. So freely i walked in, so freely you gave.
This grace, this love, this gift of life.

He sat there, stareing straight at me.
Oh i prayed so loudly in became a whisper.
Still, he loves me and call me his, still he sees me as his bride.
Still he stays so close to me and embraced with me in this new freedom we both waked in.
I choose to stay, I choose to be and I choose with faith.

I do...

Jeremiah 33:6-11

2009-10-12T13:18:00.000+08:00

6" 'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. 7 I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity [b] and will rebuild them as they were before. 8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. 9 Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.'

10 "This is what the LORD says: 'You say about this place, "It is a desolate waste, without men or animals." Yet in the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are deserted, inhabited by neither men nor animals, there will be heard once more 11 the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the LORD, saying, "Give thanks to the LORD Almighty, for the LORD is good; his love endures forever." For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,' says the LORD.

Matt 9:12-13// Hosea 6:6

2009-10-11T23:47:00.004+08:00

¹²On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. ¹³But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

mercy: something that gives evidence of divine favor.

Sacrifice: the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

Hosea 6:6

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.

hand in hand

2009-10-02T11:01:00.002+08:00

There is so much to be thankful for.

And some times, they don't have to be great things.

We are so blessed being able to wake up the next day.

And even more blessed in knowing that He made this day just for me, there will never be another day just like this one.

I have never felt so close to him but yet so unreachable.

He sits on his throne and but walks on this earth.

Two places at once, impossible you say.

Oh He is.

One in your heart, the other by your side.

You feel his warmth in your hands, and the beating on your heart?

Can you feel his fingers between yours? Can you feel his tugging pull when you slip?

Because he holds your hand just like a lover would do.

The only difference is, he never leaves.

greed, oh the greed...

2009-09-29T20:15:00.001+08:00

I can't describe how much He really does love us.

This feeling, this knowledge.. this.

It's almost as if I have entered in the state of greed of wanting more of His love.

I woulnd't have imagined 6 months ago that this is how my life would plan out.

I can not stop praising Him, and even if i do.. the stones on this earth will burst out praises to Him.

When ever hope seems thin like a nylon string, we will stand firm in Him.

His house is built in us, His home is our hearts. He is ours and We are His. Nothing, will change this fact.

This fact, is sealed with his everlasting love.

Unchanging. Everlasting. Ohhhh the beautiful... oh the greed! such glorious greed!

A man.

2009-09-29T11:55:00.001+08:00

The Lord was gracious in saving me,
He could have left me there, i would have become nothing
But he saw this little light inside and wanted it to shine
He saw this little soul and said it was mine.

He finds me beautiful even i am clothed in raggs,
He whispers his love in the script of the wind
and rain his mercy to wash me clean
He left none untouched, even down to the single fake of skin, I am his.

I have found the greatest love of all.
He is finding me each day like a old friend in deseperate need of conversation
He leaves nothing unsaid, some not needed but some... oh how much i needed to hear.
He converse with me like a friend, like i was just like him.
The air of royaltity was wiped away, he became a man.

He became a man.
He became my man, standing beside me, hand in hand.
He was God, then He became a man.

Every minute and every second

2009-09-20T01:54:00.003+08:00

She seats at a corner waiting for Him to speak

all it was. was just the broken pieces of her heart

she reaches her hand out to her feet

rubbing them to sooth the hard work of her life

her every muscles is the every step of her life

engraved with history of the ticking hours spent

who sees these hours or minutes?

to whom does it matter:

she had fallen in darkened rooms

stared out in dreams

pushed beyond comforts to simply get this... "anointing"

who sees these hours or minutes?

You were never there, unless you were there.

Never travelled distances to make up the miles.

You discover in whom was she in the presence of and then regretting not being there.

She longs and she longs.

waits. waits. waits.

She peers out into the audience looking for the reflection of your glasses

none.

Still she carries on, the anointing falls.

Again, you missed it. You saw no glory and felt no glory. But she, her lips... she slips, oh how He caught her. Gently He was there, He saw it all, her lips... her slip.

This moment, in a corner pressed up against her knees

there is no one else but Him. None but Him.

He saw it all, in His presence she knew. It's only been Him.

every man will miss those precious moments because we do, but He.

He saw it all.

He, is worth all of it.

No one else matters, they will never understand... but He.

He saw it all.

He has been there, every minute, every second. He watched her all along and never waited for invitation. He was just there.

Always.

He clapped in every performance and cheered the loudest.

He watched intensely as she practice, He held her hand out just incase she fell and when she did He simply says "Never Mind, I will kiss it better"

He pushed her limit from glory to glory. He was there when in fell out of her, He watched and smiled. So proud.

In every minute and every second, He was just there.

Always, just there.

One.

2009-09-15T11:59:00.002+08:00

"Be loved

We are born in the moment for great battles"

Why are there still church goers... and not church disciples?

The prophetic and Apostolic should be in One.

The hearers of the spirit and doers of God's work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2Me19qpDd8&NR=1

John 19

2009-09-15T10:49:00.003+08:00

Each time

When I think of the reasons why you were on that cross, it brings a lump in my throat.

Each time

When I imagine what you have seen that day, brings tears to my eyes

Each time

When I knee on that cross, I fall on my face.

To see a humble King, hanging there just because of me.

To see a noble prince, hanging there just because of me.

To see a Son of God, hanging there just because of me.

To see you. Hanging there. Because of me.

My friend, My bestest friend. My only friend.

Oh, how I broke your heart.

Oh, how I rejected your love.

Oh, how I misunderstood and taken for granted of this 4 letter word that held you there "Love"

John 11:35

Jesus wept.

You weep because you felt the lost of a friend.

You felt infinitely.

John 19:34

"Instead, one of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water."

I believe, the pressure of our rejection broke your heart.

It wasn't because of Sin, it was because You felt our rejection towards you.

We rejected you.

You felt the lost of a friend.

You felt infinitely.

How do we measure pain? - By the degree of how much we had loved.

Psalm 29

2009-09-13T23:50:00.001+08:00

Papa,

You sit on a throne so high

When i look up into the sky, I can barely keep my eyes open.

The rays of sun shine blocks out my view

it heats the top of my face

but yet, though the many times i have done this

I still look up at the sky with squashed up face, almost being blinded

for what?...

A simple glance at your glory.

⁹ God's thunder sets the oak trees dancing

A wild dance, whirling; the pelting rain strips their branches.

We fall to our knees—we call out, "Glory!"

¹⁰ Above the floodwaters is God's throne

from which his power flows,

from which he rules the world.

¹¹ God makes his people strong.

God gives his people peace.

How do you love me so papa...?

How did you ever and how are you loving me...?

How could you ever love this broken, dirty vessel you have called your own.

How can you love me? You just do. You really just do.

My throat fills up with tightness in realizing how much you love me.

I break your heart, but you have never broke mine.

I've cried because of hurt but you cried because i am hurting.

You died so i live in knowing your love.

I shut you out but you draw me in.

You let me fly on eagle wings.

You let me run with white horses.

You make me walk on water.

You are my strength when it's almost gone...

Papa, I love you

Thoughts

2009-09-12T14:05:00.005+08:00

They simply come and go. Although some stay longer then the others and some times they are not worth the time. But, we simply can not live with out thinking: with out critical thinking and judgement.

My thoughts are almost as spaced out as air particles, you can't see it but it's there and there's tons of it. Millions of atoms crashing together to create some thing that we depend on to live. Just as my thoughts patterns out the reasons of my living, it's impossible to leave it behind.

It spins and spins till there is no need of it.

Jeremiah 17:9 - 11

⁹The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly perverse and corrupt and severely, mortally sick! Who can know it [perceive, understand, be acquainted with his own heart and mind]?

¹⁰I the Lord search the mind, I try the heart, even to give to every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.

¹¹Like the partridge that gathers a brood which she did not hatch and sits on eggs which she has not laid, so is he who gets riches by unjust means and not by right. He will leave them, or they will leave him, in the midst of his days, and at his end he will be a fool.

Search my heart, place it on a platter that Honors you.

Examine my mind, tighten my thoughts strongly on to you.

Reign in me, over all my thoughts and my dreams.

In my darkest hour, reign in me.

Reign in me, just like you have done so to my forefathers.

Shoppers

2009-09-05T21:33:00.003+08:00

As she wonder pass the reflecting stainless glass

Sales signs were projected onto her body

This small and insignificant feeling

has cramped her into a confined space

She stops. Listens.

Click clack of designer heels

Talents of mother tongues

Moment of swinging plastic bags

The crashing of coins entering pockets that soon will be emptied in the next store...

She stops. Listens.

Her own thoughts were as equally loud

as if strangers were responding to her thoughts

She nods in agreement of the excitement

smiles in realization she can not be compared to them.

Our fragile heart

continuously being filled with sand that slowly slips out between our fingers,

try as we might - it empties.

Again

The cycle begins, more sand and less in our hands. Less - in this empty space.

Just less.

1 Peter 1:13 - 16

2009-09-03T22:04:00.001+08:00

¹³Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. ¹⁴As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.¹⁵But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; ¹⁶for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

Hebrew 11

2009-08-31T00:17:00.007+08:00

Hebrew 11:6

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Father, let me be pleasing to your eyes. My faith is nothing but smaller then a mustard seed. I can't even begin to understand the things that will happen tomorrow yet alone the things You have called me to do in the future. These things you have spoken, is made beautiful with decorative lighting behind it, but Lord, please help me to understand your will.

I have ran a thousand miles doing the things i believe it's true. But i want to sit in patience and obedience so that what i do next is in Your will. You knew me before creation and still you know me. My relationship with you is deeper then what i believe and know it is. My relationship with you goes beyond the years I have be saved, set firm my relationship with you that i had before my body was created.

I know you lord, I know you as my father, as my creator, as a friend.

My spirit has known you all it's life. Even before creation. Connect the dots and join together the missing links. Father, i desperately fall on my knees to know your voice clearly. Because I know my master's voice. I know your voice.

Use me as you please. Nothing is impossible with You! I am nothing but a empty vessel that is longing to be used by you. Lord, do not let your spirit pass by me and not change me.

Forgive me father of my selfish rights, I can not claim the things my heart desires. Please open my eyes ONLY to the things you wish for me to see. The things that are not of you or your will for me to see, please i pray... Take them away. Forgive me of my sins: my pride.

Forgive me

2009-08-27T23:05:00.006+08:00

after a moment of anger and wanted to write some thing about this situation, i find myself wordless and unknown to really how i feel. Anger is not the right word, maybe rejected... but it seems too negative and lonely seems too empty.

There isn't a word.

Maybe simply there isn't a real feeling.
Well at least, this isn't a feeling i should be feeling because of what God has said i am. I can be rejected by man over and over again but my value is not based on them. I really should be on Him. Daddy, it's hard. It's hard knowing that i've given every thing i've got and nothing is given in return.

I know, we shouldn't do things to receive things - but is all my efforts of love wasted? Am I really just their punching bag when there is no one else?

Who am i to them?

Humble me father, my friendship with them isn't on a stage full of lights. My friendship is no better then others. They either are friends with me or not - it is you i have to deal with. Daddy, i am sorry. I am sorry for jumping at the situation in its face instead of jumping into you. I am just tired of being rejected and hurt every time i put myself out there. I try and i've tried. This is the last of it all.

I am only willing to give my friendship to those that you have given me a heart for. There are seasons of different friends, and i pray daddy you will give me the right ones for this season! I don't want to hold on to some thing that isn't meant to be mine, i let go of the friends that i am trying to keep close to me. I know now, they are not mine to have.

Be my bestfriend daddy, i need you to be the one i talk to every day and every night and every waking moment!! you will never leave me and you will love me with all you have! You will not break your promise of protection and love. I need to stand firm on your word and no be defeated by fear and doubt!

I am sorry lord. Please forgive me.

Isaiah 66

2009-08-27T17:03:00.002+08:00

Isaiah 66:
THUS SAYS the Lord: Heaven is My throne, and the earth is My footstool. What kind of house would you build for Me? And what kind can be My resting-place?
2For all these things My hand has made, and so all these things have come into being [by and for Me], says the Lord. But this is the man to whom I will look and have regard: he who is humble and of a broken or wounded spirit, and who trembles at My word and reveres My commands.

Lord, am I your dwelling place? I have not build my body with my own hands, it was already made by you. Holy spirit, i ask of you to dwell in me, you are the spirit God has given to me after Christ has risen to be my teacher and my guild. Be alive in me as much as the person next to me, i want to hear your very word.

Let my body be a vessel of obedience to you, move my arms of where they should go. Move my feet as to where i should step. Change my thoughts to your thoughts, let my reactions be actions of you. I no longer is willing to control my own body, i need you holy spirit to guild me physically to places that i fear to go, comfort me deep down inside where no one can speak comfort to.

Humble me Lord, i carry high judgement of pride.
Break me apart, let me down so I know you are God. I am no better then a murderer, my sins is just the same as those who don't know you. You don't weigh out my sin, Sin is Sin. No one sin is bigger then the other, just like i am no better then those who have not heard your name. I fear your word. I fear your word because it's the truth. The truth that sets me free but also capturing my heart to do your will. I do what I do because of faith and passion.

Because you have loved me first.

Your love over pours out of me, i can not keep silent! There is more to me then this. There must be more. Through your spirit dwelling in me, I know your spirit will take me places people can not go. You will take me to places where no one has been before, i need obedience and sharpness in spirit.

I will hear when you speak, I will answer when you call.
I pray i will not miss out on You.

Your hands lord, has created so much beauty. You have created the stars in the sky, the birds that fly above and the people that live below. I repent of the ways i see my brothers and sisters. They are perfect in your eyes, you love them still even if i don't. You see worth in them even i find their ways annoying. Lord, I take delight in Jerusalem (Hong Kong) She is like a mother that nurses her child. I take comfort in her arms:

10Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice for joy with her, all you who mourn over her,

11That you may nurse and be satisfied from her consoling breasts, that you may drink deeply and be delighted with the abundance and brightness of her glory.

12For thus says the Lord: Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; then you will be nursed, you will be carried on her hip and trotted [lovingly bounced up and down] on her [God's maternal] knees.

daddy, please show me how to love the people here. They are Your chosen people, you love them still. Do not turn away from those who have not/ have heard your name. How can there be many people slain by your fire and sword? Has the body of christ fallen so deep into this bubble we have missed our assignment? Daddy, you know our works and our thoughts, let us see your glory now, not when you return. Let every tongue and every knee bow in awe of your glory now!!

Why have we failed to bring fame of your name? Why have we failed to trust and have faith in the almighty??

I am empty until you fill me full. I am no body until you use me. I am nothing until your spirit is alive in me.

.

2009-06-24T01:31:00.002+08:00

In delicate hands she was made
given the breathe she needed but never gotten
a small rounded belly carried a seed of a single soul
only to discover the possibilities of the impossible destiny

it was He who creating this path that was blown over with dust
piles of leaves lay untouched
it was well hidden
like a secret passage
with forbidden hanging like skeletons on trees

Joy

2009-05-05T01:27:00.002+08:00

I receive the joy you are allowing me to touch
so gently your spirit calls me
I feel your heart melt away when i look at you
so wonderful to see
This greatest King and father to be pleased

i step forward

2009-04-27T23:18:00.004+08:00

Dearest Daddy,

I find hard in trusting you alone, where the path ahead of me is so unknown
Where is the light that will guild me there? Have you got no mercy on me?
I finally said yes despite all my doubts and fear, although they are always near
like a shadow that crawls from no where but yet it's there

I know some where deep inside, i've got a massive calling i can't fathom
it's treasured deep inside my spirit, and it's longing for more
but what i fear of judgement and failure seems to never bore
entertaining a unwilling audience fail to see
the shaking inside and the fear in me

I will trust in you because i have nothing else
it's already unbearable it's only the begining
all i know is that it will get better
i just need to fix my eye, my eyes on you
Lord you have my prize
help me to realize what you have done on that cross just for me
so with that, my worship in my life not only pleases thee.
But you.

still counting...

2009-04-04T13:28:00.002+08:00

3 years and still counting...
Like a shadow you never leave, it surprises me of where you would be next
Worlds apart in my mind and body, how can such distance make up with a single "hello"
So much changed but yet so much thats the same
Feels like yesterday, only a minute away, as it ticks and tocks
What words could i have said? What path would have gone if I knew this is where we would be...

Just like yesterday, standing in front of you powerless
A fake smile and sarcasm
Playing the role of superhuman
Taking down the world with one heart
What more could i have done? What words could I have said?

The rocky roads that laid in front, the mountains we had to climb
The snowy days with out the sun, the rainy days with out a sheer of light
The conversations that never lasted, and the everlasting guilt we both had carried
A single sorry with decorated tears could not and will not explain
And now, when a new life comes slapping in as strong waves
The strength of a 4ft 10 can not over come, just like a shadow, you surprise me of where you be next
But you are still visible in this invisible world we created

What can i do now?
How can I make this right?

It's been 3 years and still counting, same people, different story different ending, same hope.

A lady

2009-03-29T20:58:00.003+08:00

She looks upon the lines of her face
Each with detailed print, she is confident.
A lady whom is raised with confidence, surly knows the characters.

As she looks
Searching deeper into her dark eyes
Reflection of human cells respond her.
Pressing further into the window of her soul
she realized the pigment of colour distracts a causal seeker.

Deeper, darker, uncovering secrets of what lies below.
The lack of confidence she now finds parallel to a shadowed reflection.
Misty answers, and yelling questions
The inner soul call carries no confidence, it stands on high stages but performs no piece.

Applauding audience awaits,
her mouth...
Hanging wide open, with streams of thoughts in slow motion speech

Her confidence define her as a lady, she speech defines her Empty.

ministry of dance

2009-02-04T00:17:00.003+08:00

Today i've been suddenly reminded of how separated i feel about dance and church.

In all the things i've learnt and have been spoken over me has all been becoming apart of who i am, but those things that could support my passion is just simply words. As i sit here in hurt and disappointment, i realized that this pain wasn't just because i have been reminded, it's always be there. Building up each year knowing that there's always a dividing point with church and dance.

I am a dancer, dance is my life. It's the only thing i know and don't know how to do. I am not a tool for a show or just an opening number, what I do is a ministry, it invest in the kingdom of God, so why so little respect? What i do is not because it looks beautiful and it kills time or put a tear in some ones eye, but what i do is to help people to realized that creativity doesn't stop during worship.

It burdens my heart to see such passion to be wasted away because of the dividing points. Dance is how i speak to God, it's the only true worship within me, it's a blessing and truly is a gift, there's nothing me about dance. If we take that away from people, we take away their time with God. Their blessings, their growth and their passion.

In 2009, this i will declare. Dance is not for show, i will not just perform. This is a ministry for the kingdom, if you restrict me on this, You will nail jesus back onto the cross for no reason. I write this because as one body, with other dancers who are seeking the kingdom's growth, this is our vision, this is our voice and this is the hurt.

Unknown

2009-02-01T23:07:00.003+08:00

I don't want to show you how great i can be
The christ that is in me over takes me

He is the great that is in me
I become the slave to freedom
The hate to sin
The vision for justice

I will do all i can, to understand, to experience
every thing you have for me
my life is in your hands, I can't bear the burden alone
you have watched me grow from a seed to a girl

What else can i do but be with you, in you.
Where else can i be but long to sit next to you.

The speaker of truth
The light in darkness
The confirmation in doubt
The love in loneliness.

untitled

2009-01-29T16:19:00.001+08:00

In the eye of the storm
I'm naked and alone

A little boy

2009-01-29T16:08:00.001+08:00

A little boy.

With arms flying around, excited smile on his face, he comes running into daddy's arms.
No expectations, no rewards, no questions just in awe of his greatness.

He falls, his knees scrape against the floor, he falls on his all fours, his hands are covered with scars.
He looks up at daddy, tear filled eyes with quavering lips trying to hold in his cries, he looks at his palms
slowly stands up and looks at his knees. The shocking image of blood pouring out gives him the shriver, nothing to wipe it clean, nothing to stop it from stinging.

He shrugs his shoulder in defeat of an idea, he continues, with arms flying around, excited smile on his face, he comes running to daddy's arms.
No expectations, no rewards, no questions, no comfort, just in awe of his greatness.

Again he falls, his body sways from side to side in each excitement, his legs became dancing entertainment, all over the place, couldn't find it's balance. And he falls. His knees scrape against the floor, he falls on his all fours, his hands are covered with scars. He knew this discomfort, he has seen and felt it before, it wasn't new to him but it was still sore. Scar onto another scar, it still becomes unbearable. Naturally, it hurts. Naturally we cry, with quavering lips he holds his cries, he looks at his palms and his knees.

He shrugs his shoulder in defeat of an idea, he continues, with arms flying around, excited smile on his face, he comes running to daddy's arms.
No expectations, no rewards, no questions, no comfort, just in awe of his greatness.

Reality Check

2006-07-11T13:13:00.000+08:00

I'll always stand

It takes a Real storm to know what a Real shelter is.

Testing 1.. 2.. 3..

2006-06-24T18:42:00.000+08:00

Alright the biggest day of my life just came and went by very fast! To let others know, I didnt make the cut into APA (Academy of Performing arts)

* I know and understand that this BLOG will reach out to others and that although it is fully my personal thoughts in print, please except that all i write is truely honest and I hope this will allow Christ to come and touch your life!

20th June 2006 -
The day where ive faced a million and one emotions and thoughts that i never knew I could think of.. - Fear, doubt, shame, rejection, rejoice, grace, mercy, love, pride, anger, hate, betrayel, lazyness, lost, alone, In Love with Christ, wisdom..

The list can go on of how I felt that day - at 3 hour audition with 80+ people in one studio fighting for that One place into the Academy - It was intense but yet Fun and rememberable! I wouldnt take back any steps i took to get to where i am get.

Althought my heart is extremely hurt and disappointed - I WILL never say that God wasn't with me, because He was. Because He had promised us in His truth that He will NEVER leave nor forsake US! (Yet again it didnt say only pastors or special Holy people.. it said US like You and I - LIke me a sinner with Lack of faith!) I had to speak truth into my life, I know that God was with me beacuse I went through the trouble of telling my mind to SHUTUP and seek His face!

He never left me, not even now when in my heart i feel like i've failed and dont deserve a second chance and that I've wasted a whole year doing nothing and just wasting money.. But HE NEVER WALKED AWAY and I didnt walk away from Him when I found out I didnt get it. Sure I was indeed very upset but I have never felt so close to Him. His love was protecting me - Protecting me from Self rejection! I will NEVER stop dancing for God - It is my worship for Him to enjoy and I know that He will NEVER let me down!

It is hard for me and I never said it was easy, no one had ever said it was easy running for the calling God has called you to do or even following what You want to do! It's not a walk in the park nor is it a storm out in the sea! I believe that if you really want some thing that much.. Your heart will never stop calling out! And i know that i would never stop dancing because my Heart calls out to dance! My heart wants to worship God!

Faith - I would have to say this will have to come from God. 4 days after the audition I am looking for other places to look at but nothing is found but I believe with my mind, soul and body that God doesnt close a door and leave us there HE OPENS UP ANOTHER DOOR! This is not the end of the world - it is only just starting..

Yes, I am hurt and Yes I feel like a loser and Yes, i have doubt and Yes I am all the things you may want to call me.. BUT again my God says I am different! But that doesnt change the fact that I am hurt.. But we have a choice - Allow God to come and heal or to close Him out. I say right now - I WANT HIM TO HEAL ME.
I want to God more then I want a place to dance in - This is because He will always be the ONLY one who will love me enough to see passed the EWW things in my life. He is the ONLY one who will love me even if I am rejected by the world, and even if I am rejected by others. I will STAND for God because He is faithful to me! Because He LOVES me beyound what I can imagine!

SO. ill just cry everything out and let the healing take place! And when it happenes I know that I know that I know that I know that I know God loves me!

Thank You

I pray...

2006-06-18T13:12:00.000+08:00

Daddy, I am scared.
In a few days, the biggest day of my life will be in my face. I know my faith is lacking and my heart is pondering. I can't understand the calling in my life and yes, I feel lost in this crazy world of mine. I need your supernatrual faith - I have none of my own.
Some say faith is easy, and some say it is hard. Daddy, I have none - Not in me, Not in what I can do.. But I have faith in You.
Daddy, can we talk tonight? like we used to? I feel that I am so far from the light but I will push on, push myself to a point of where I fall onto my knees and cry out Abba, Father come save me.
Jesus, I wonder if you saw the sunrise or where you too busy looking after me?
- Amen